A summary

 Because only this morning is it clear what i lost my path into saying

It is in fact all quite simple.

In 2020 - their 'pandemic' i ignored all their death talk and started to loive like never before. 2020 was the happiest and most evolving year of my life by far, excepting the large amount of time the last 30 years - about half my waking hours, i have been in the presence of a child... as carer, or for a few years co cocarer.

In fact https://www.poignant2021.com/

as she knows was 'insoired' by only o"ne person - the first person i spied who wasnt like me and my sort of loose gang, who wished to be aside pandemic silliness, The Sprout - she had played their game i had seen, 2020... on her dreadful FAcebook talking of "confinement" - sounds like a gaol term...it was of course... 

Then one day she wrote a word  - new..on her wall...  "poignant" 

And it seemed to indicate she had liberated herself.

But also it came as i was liberating myself.

Long planned giving up an 8 year tenancy at a glorious old place Byron had spent his last summer in the UK ever ion the grounds of... 

it was time to pack. A year ago.

And also long planned, get out of my store every single item of my daughter's childhood with me - every small plastic bauble still boxed up - get every item out and photograph them. Poignantly..

As only one thing. A celebration of it was the best of life by far, no matter what. And that every item still carries with is a story. A life, indeed..

And i did it. Though have not yet the time and plug to do what always intended: recycle it all into something beautiful. And as poignant as you can get...if i can.

And it didn't hurt as i am the luckiest person in the world, i know what matters. And have always believed in it. 

And then 2022 comes along and is started with one woman who lets me smile. Even if only in my emails her way...

And we are now comrades..

She wishes "cameraderie"  just the other day..

... i wonder if...

It doesn't matter what the future holds - exactly. That also is why she was maybe the finest of them all. Grace is humorous respect, mutually... always..if we were partly on the same page.

SO what next?

Je ne sait pas.

as it takes two to tango.

BUt i will carry on in fact START writing this. As it is as good as that book....ehh i forget...og yes Rachels Mars Room...

she has her heroine walking out into the light and....

Mine is the opposite...its walking out into the light and knowing i won the war and the battles are irrelevant, as i shall always smile at the gunship a hovering...

Because i earned the right to.