note to self

Which in a way is all i have written for 12 1/2 years...

Except there is in the back of it all the most poignant head fuck of a 'story' there has ever been.

One day i shall indeed get to my Montaigne's collected works.

All of them.

Time enough for all that - Ecclesiastes mode... 

 

But talk about kairos, today.

If  anyone had said to me even now- not a moment would i have wished differently, i would have said don't be daft. But there is an order of things. And one has to process oneself to be 'ready'. 

For anything, especially nothing.

And there is no better 'feeling' all day - the last day possible, perhaps, in my newly found hillside spot - best prospect -: directly facing the south. And the mast :-)

That only brings their troubles...i have never been frightened of. And in a way have turned into a work of 'art'. And the art is the longer the great sorrow goes on, the less sorrow - far less, and far more, being alive like never before.

Which sounds like one is on drugs.

And that's the point of a very long note to self... seven years of it.

Firstly apart from never having the slightest problem all the rest have  - from the alcohol, never again, to the pills and even more amazing perhaps the continual ups and downs..

My chronicle, i started to show the one person whom no matter what must be loved - which means doing the immensely hard work over these years to keep a record. Of a most constant person. No angst, no downs, and more ups than ever before - more days at 100% than all the rest of life put together the last 3 years...

But love, is... making sure the one person who may feel 'guilty'  -may one ay feel she may somehow be to blame...never....and the best way to ensure that is to make sure there is so much proof that there is nothing to feel guilty ...for...

And Mr Montaigne didn't have my advantage: not only such organisational skills that i never run out of power, or space... never mind a little device that captures every moment of it....for years. Which show incontrovertibly to the lost lamb, there is nothing to ever feel sorry about.

That's love - even the ghost, make sure every day she could know in some decade hence, that he she ghosted so unnecessarily... got on with his life always and so full of life, it surprises even him.

 

Shame though even the reverend as i call her didn't follow through...none of that would have been necessary f there were just one person who may be reliable...as witness, to only smiles, always... as she said she would.

But hen there is duel purpose or dual purpose.... what a chronicle it all is - of the real version of life. And her at dawn today you couldn't make it up so perfectly to the script. Of why one must go...forever now.

Hahh hahh backup laptop - this...for some daft reason only the spooks know, doesnt have a spell checker in this same pane we use with the main..

in which case..it may get legible.

Later.

And i only wish to make everyone i have ever encountered smile a real smile as i manage every day. Though a belly laugh would yes be better.

note to self #2 get the heck on with it - ten years of fabulous photography....so many poignant pics it may blow up the internet. And now is the time...because even the tough times only now are to be smiled at...

and enjoyed as they are relived. Every moment....